Random Thoughts from Insomnia

I’ve been lying in bed for an inordinate amount of time. Why am I suffering from insomnia tonight? People say I ponder too much as I lay in bed and they may be true. 

My sleep schedule has always been a little sporadic and it often affects and intrudes in my life. Some days, I have a difficult day at work due to lack of sleep. Other days, my workouts can’t just quite get there. On these days, since my productivity is down, I feel disappointed in myself, wishing that my normal assiduous and hardworking energy is there **random side thought: Check out Matthew Walker, the sleep expert, if you haven’t.** My feelings and thoughts seem evanescent. Despite the lack of sleep, overall I persevere and maintain my schedule. I have been joining new groups and meet ups; I’ve been hiking and exercising consistently (almost excessively). In this sense, I’ve transcended the pervading obstacles my lack of sleep. So I am extremely proud of myself. 

Now that I’m much older, I’ve realized is that I am not apathetic towards my future nor my present. Every commitment I take on is a decision that I make. Every inaction that I take is also a decision on my part. Inaction is not equal to a lack of decision; it’s an active decision to not put forth the effort. And I acknowledge that without action, things don’t get done. You can’t wish results into existence without the effort. In this aspect, I wish I could Dunning-Kruger effect myself into success. Maybe a fool would be better at it since they would learn from their own failures.

I am the culprit of my own insomnia. Only I am reprehensible for my actions.

Time and Epiphanies

I am so profoundly astonished how time gives you perspective. Last week, I felt a void and I went through cycles of pain. This time I wanted to feel the pain and be conscientious of my emotions. This week, I have had a surprising number of epiphanies through reading, through self-reflection, and from prayer.

I am back to working on myself. And I am so happy I am back track.

Dating Epiphany #1: Dating creates a mesh of identity and many times, one person may even lose a sense of identity.

When I try to recall all my past relationships, I realize that one person in the relationship loses a sense of identity. A lot of this is because relationships are compromise/sacrifice. Although my friends had warned me that I was doing too much for the person I dated last, I thought I was doing the right thing because it came from the heart and that my actions were coming out of love. Due to being in a long distance relationship, I would sacrifice and not do some the things that made me who I am so that I could drive up to see her and spend time with her. I would go overboard to ensure that she was happy because as a loving boyfriend, I would make sure that she would be happy. But I was so focused on making her happy, that I lost a sense of identity to ensure I would be happy. I neglected myself.

Dating Epiphany #2: Everyone should take a day or two and re-calibrate on self. Re-evaluate yourself and check where the power dynamic lies.

I know who I am and I know I want to be. (Humble brag) I know I treat others extremely well and with the utmost respect. I want to do things for others because it brings me joy. I’ll make every effort to ensure they have a better quality of life. But whether it is in a relationship in dating or within the family or even in business, I need to take a step back and see what the opposing party does for me. Does the company that you’re doing business with make you happy? To what end will they go? Does the person you’re dating put in the effort you deserve? Does your family member treat you the way you should be treated? Most of this can be subjective, but there are objective lines. Empower yourself and ensure your approve of your actions.

Dating Epiphany #3: I need you in my life vs I want you in my life.

The difference between needing someone in your life versus wanting someone in your life is subtle, but enormous. It may sound like common sense when you read it, but when you critically think about it, there are very few things you actually need in your life except for biological requires such as oxygen, water, food, etc. I never really needed her in my life; I wanted her in my life. I never really needed this business; I wanted this business.

Dating Epiphany #4: Too many people perceive vulnerability as weakness.

I have a strong sense of who I am. I am comfortable being in a state of vulnerability. I leave myself exposed and I am okay with it. Vulnerability is not weakness. It comes from a place of confidence. Vulnerability means that you’re okay with others judging you and thinking less of you. That does not equate to weakness, in fact, it’s the complete opposite and comes from a place of strength and confidence.

A New Void

I recently went through a breakup with someone I thought was the “one.” These past few weeks have been a roller-coaster of emotions. I can’t believe how quickly my thoughts and emotions turn and wind from one direction to the other. Anger, sadness, guilt, happiness, panic, insecurity, confusion, loneliness, resentment, peace, regret, fear, pain, and then a mixture of other random emotions all running through my heart. Emotions jump back and forth to each. Sometimes they run in a cycle and the cycle is continuous. It’s vicious.

I know I’ll be okay and that time will help me heal. I know I have the strength to endure and the only thing I can control is to reflect and learn from my mistakes. I have been seeking my spiritual side for some calmness. I have been praying. I have been meditating. I have been spending more time talking to people and discussing my feelings. But I’m still lost.

I recognize I have a huge void in my heart. No distraction can fill this void and I know it’s unhealthy for me to try to use something else as a replacement. I will persevere and I will try my best to stay positive, but the range of negative emotions that run rampant in my heart and soul are making it extremely difficult.

I know I have to let go. And so I hope this post will serve as a therapeutic avenue for my heart to begin to heal.

Backing Up Your Journal

Although, my life and website doesn’t have a ton of exposure, I use this website to reflect and look back at my thoughts, emotions, and experiences of the past. And I have no idea what you few thousand people who visit are doing here 🙂 Unfortunately, due to some technical issues, I lost nearly 3 years of internal reflections and deep self soul-searching.

I feel bad losing those precious thoughts and memories because unfortunately, I can’t store it in my mind forever, but I’m trying to stay positive about it.

If anyone should read this, please take this moment to back up your precious data or memories or photos that you may want to keep in the future.

Customer Service

Currently, I am working with my parents in the service industry and providing dry cleaning for others. I strive to deliver the best customer service I can, but in this industry, it always feels somewhat limited. Dry cleaning is not the prettiest of industries and often when others hear that I’m working at a dry cleaner, I receive that look. It’s not always intentional and many probably do it on a subconscious level; however, it’s that you are beneath me type of reaction/look.

But I digress. I have always been a people-pleaser. I enjoy making sure with whomever I speak with or help, receives the best possible customer experience and service that I can. I hope it doesn’t brush off as arrogance, but I believe it is one of my best qualities. It’s in my nature and invariably in my blood to ensure a good experience. I want to mollify those with issues. But it’s not always easy and not always possible.

There are still limitations to the industry; whether they come from the lack of development in the tools that we currently are armed with or with the lack of skill that we have, even after years of experience, we are not able to remove every blemish or stain that we come across. Some customers will soil their clothes by wearing it numerous times, allowing soils, foods, greases, etc. aggregate and set into the clothes. And they do this knowingly, most likely as an effort to save money or even out of sheer laziness. But when they come in, they expect brand new clothes. Sorry. We can’t deliver you brand new clothes.

So how is it possible to service these customers and deliver a genuinely good experience for them when they have impossible expectations? We offer to re-do and re-clean clothes. Sure, we are human so we do make mistakes. But when something doesn’t come out because you, the customer, did not properly handle your clothes and treat them with respect, we should not be to blame.

This reflection came out a bit more rant-like than I had hoped for. My intention was to write and verbalize it so I could brainstorm methods to handle these types of customers and situations better. In any case, I can see why this industry gets a bad wrap. And I want to be able to revolutionize it. I want to make everyone happy.